Testimony Pt. 1: Destroying fear of rejection and abandonment + Overcoming Masturbation and Pornography
Well, hello there. i hope you brought a snack because this may take some time.
I want to discuss four topics that I am combining into two discussions on this blog post:
Fear of rejection
Fear of abandonment
Masturbation
Pornography
Let’s discuss the fears first.
What is rejection? Rejection is defined as: spurning of a person's affection, dismissal of a proposal, idea.
I started to deal with the fear of rejection at a very young age dating back to when my parents divorced and I didn't my dad for months to years at a time. This developed a longing for my father to be present in my life so I tried to find love in other men to be father like figures to me, but I still longed for my biological father to be in my life. Around 10 years old, I was introduced to my godfather and he was truly sent from God. He loved my sister and I so much growing up and I never felt rejected by him. I saw what it meant to be loved by a dad and I cherished him all the way until he passed away from cancer. In my head, I blamed myself that he passed because when we got close, he got sick. I later realized it wasn't my fault, but I internalized it.
This moved into relationships, romantically and platonically. For example, when I had a good girl friend, we were great friends and then she would move on to be friends with other ladies and I was left alone. This happened for years. Another example is when I was in romantic relationships and I would be so afraid they were going to break up with me that I was willing to stay in an abusive mentally toxic relationship. On the other side of rejection, I would start to reject the guys first I was with so that they wouldn't reject me so I could get the upper hand and be in control. Do you see how rejection can bleed into other emotions like control?
What is abandonment? It is: an action or fact or being abandoned; having been deserted; cease to support or look after someone; give up completely
When my godfather passed, I actually felt abandoned. He passed away in my 9th grade year and he was the one who was supposed to walk me down the aisle so I felt like I lost it. Rejection and abandonment can connect together really well, it’s crazy. Then I met another man at my church and he became a dad to me as well. He was so loving as a fatherly figure. I didn't feel judged and I didn't feel rejected. Then he got sick and passed away. I was convinced that I killed these men. I hated myself for getting so close only to be abandoned years later. I didn’t understand. It wasn't until in 2022 that I took it to heart that God is my father (and daddy) and that He will never leave me, forsake me, abandon me, or reject me. I was so used to being rejected that even in my Christian walk, I didn't trust God fully because I felt there was always something that was going to let me down, but it never happened. No matter what crazy situation I was in or even if I was completely rebelling against him, He was always there. He corrects me, He loves me, He calls me His daughter, I am His, and He is mine. Now I walk in the office of a daughter and this is the best spot to be in.
Of course, I do still feel at times when I'm being rejected or abandoned, but I have to remind myself that even though I may be getting rejected or I am being abandoned, God will never do that and He takes good care of me. I now can tell when I am operating in the spirit of fear, the spirit of rejection, and the spirit of abandonment and I
repent
renounce
rebuke
replace it with scripture
It's definitely a habit I have to do on the daily. Of course, there's definitely my bad days where I don't want anything to do with anything and I will cry, but God is even there on my bad days.
Now, onto the addictions. This was a hard one to do, but I believe this may help you in your situation.
Pornography: visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual activity intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings
I was introduced to pornography by a guy and we were in 4th grade at the time. I will never forget the first words he said to me. “What rhymes with corn?" I didn't have answer and he said "porn". I had no idea what that meant at the time. He described where there would be people having sex, but I didn't think much about it. Let's hop over into the next topic and we will tie them together.
Masturbation: self pleasure which is having sex with yourself
My story started when l was in 5th grade and I had a friend at the time where she would show me how to squeeze my legs in a way to get a release or a funny feeling between my legs. I didn't understand that that was masturbation, nor did I think I was doing anything wrong, or so I thought. It was getting to the point where I was doing it every week to every day to every period at school. I knew was it was an issue, but I didn't know how to stop.
I would look these things up secretly learning how to hide this from people. Little did I know I was learning to lie better. I learned how to clear search history so that no one would be ashamed of me if they saw me watching those videos and seeing these pictures. That's when in 2011, I was introduced to Tumblr. Wow, what an app in many ways that I could name. This where a huge trap was set up for me where I would end up staying in for 11 YEARS. I was 14 when I started this trap on Tumblr. 14! I was already introduced to these terms and actions in 4th and 5th grade, but now it’s in the privacy of my own home now. I now have access whenever there’s Wi-Fi.
When I first started on there, it was mainly for relatable quotes and beautiful pictures like gardens and guys with big afros. What? That’s what I liked, sue me. Then people that I followed would start to reblog pictures and gifs of people kissing each other. With this app, you could look at their profiles and see who they follow and like much like instagram Twitter, however, this was the explicit version. As I became more curious about people kissing, making out, watching gifs, I then stumbled upon videos on there of people having sex. I liked what I saw. I couldn't deny it. This became so secretive that I would start to save posts to my drafts continue to watch them even when I said I wouldn't. This became such an internal battle that I asked God to take this addiction away from me.
So, I didn't know how to stop and also didn't want to stop because of that instant gratification.
Here's a side note of worry that I had one day. I was making a grilled cheese in the kitchen, but went to my room to watch porn. Now this type of porn were two women and to sum that up quickly, I had an identity crisis in middle school when someone asked if I was gay due to me wearing shorts underneath my pants. At the time, it was convenient to do that because I had band 1st period and gym 2nd period. Back to the story.
As I was watching, I had to go to the bathroom, I went and forgot I was grilling a grilled cheese! So I got out of the bathroom after washing my hands and I locked my phone even when I was the only one home and threw it on my bed. I took my grilled cheese off, came back to my phone only to find out I cracked the internal screen and my phone no longer worked. Now I was in panic about two things: I broke my phone and what if it is recovered by my phone provider and they can see the last image that was on my phone before it cracked!! I say this to say that I was so ashamed to tell anyone of this for years! This masturbation and pornography had a choke hold on me.
So here I am constantly chasing gratification because I can't get enough, but I am also exhausted because I want to stop. Now as I am traveling through the years with this heavy weight on my back, I am also in situations with guys that makes my problem worse. I am trying to have this expectation of feeling good and being touched right from seeing actors act. This bleeds into my identity and knowing the realization that anything is never enough.
It wasn't until last year in May of 2022, God pulled me out of that trap because I asked God that I wanted to be healed. God prompted me to delete Twitter and Tumblr off of my phone. You know, during that entire time, I didn't feel the urge to watch or masturbate? It was as if the weight was released when I deleted them, I had way more time on my hands.
I do want to go back to 2021 around November and December where my best friend told me to throw out the sex toys I owned. The toys also had evil spirits attached to them and were gifted from a past situation.
Fast forward to August of 2022 where God told me to go on a 30 day fast of no food (just water) and He called it my obedience fast. I was shocked because I thought surely I was going to die with no food, but I didn't because I am telling my testimony now. If you're interested, I will be posting my fasting testimony this year so stay tuned. The day after my fast, September 25, 2022 I felt a release to delete my actual accounts on Twitter and Tumblr. No, I didn't make a big fuss about it by telling everyone in the world, but I only said it to one that person who I was knew struggling with it because they struggled with it too in the past. When I tell you, I cried in joy that I have finally been released from the grips of hell itself and I knew that this was changing the trajectory of my life and that God was proud of me, I shouted for joy!
So now it's January. Where am I at now with this? I am still going strong and when I feel that I want to masturbate, I distract myself, pray, or ask God to help me fall asleep quick so that I forget. That’s what works for me. I’ve also prayed against these spirits of lust, addiction, and perversion. I also set boundaries on what I watch and what I listen to as well. The eyes and ears are gateways to your soul. What you consume through those ends up in you and your heart.
I have the link of this video down below if you are interested in watching my testimony where I go more in depth. I pray this blessed you in at least one way.
